At The Heart of Loneliness
Lately there’s been a lot of talk about the loneliness epidemic that’s sweeping the world, seemingly growing with each passing year. Men, women, the young and the old - no demographic is safe from the rising tide of isolation that appears to be an inescapable element of modern culture in the west. We hear reports (e.g. the Surgeon General, 2023) that chronic loneliness is as deadly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and are reminded that we are indeed deeply social animals, and that personal connection and intimacy are not only common desires, but are universal and fundamental needs for us to thrive both individually and collectively.
There are countless articles detailing this phenomenon, so I won’t get too into the weeds here, and will instead focus mainly on the meaning and implications of loneliness, as well as what we can do to address it in our lives. However, it bears repeating that loneliness, isolation, and being alone or in solitude are not all the same thing. Solitude, in moderate doses, is a pleasurable and enriching state, and indeed is essential to our deeper well-being and personal development. It allows us to discover who we are without the influence of our peers, as well as to explore our inner worlds through hobbies, creativity and spiritual practice. It can be a precious respite from the chaos and drama of life among people, and opportunity for silence, for peace and deep rest.
But when we tread too far into the realm of solitude, whether by our own design or by circumstance, it can turn into isolation. Deprived of regular contact with others, our social skills can atrophy, and we can become awkward and feral, cold and distrusting (it must be noted that we may well have retreated into isolation specifically because of the violation of trust, but if we starve ourselves of positive human contact, it is all too easy to generalize our fear and loathing towards all people).
Loneliness, on the other hand, means that we are not accessing the human connection that we long for. So if we are luxuriating in solitude and not longing for external connection, then we are not lonely. It is also important to recognize that loneliness has little to do with whether we are alone or not. Many have experienced the feeling of being lonelier in a crowd than on their own, and as Robin Williams said, “I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
This is the essence of the issue. We don’t typically feel lonely because we aren’t surrounded by people, but rather because we are lacking deep and meaningful connection with the people in our lives. We are not seeing into the lives and worlds of others, and we ourselves are not being seen. Not being known. Deep down, most of us long for transcendent experiences of unity and integration, of exploring the beauty and depth of the human experience with the mirroring of others to remind us that we are part of something bigger and more sublime than our own limited subjectivity suggests. We can access some of this in relationship with nature, with pets, and even through works of art and culture, but there is nothing that quite approaches the particular beauty and fulfillment of quality human connection.
There really is little else as fundamental to our humanity. And yet, we find ourselves in a loneliness epidemic. There is no shortage of discussion about the causes of this phenomenon, but the answers depend upon whom you ask. Much blame is levied against modern technology - against social media, smartphones and streaming services which keep us divided and preoccupied with the pursuit of easy and endless dopamine highs, and against the rise of delivery apps offering to meet all of our material needs and desires without any human interaction at all.
This blame is certainly well-placed, and I would be remiss not to mention the role of our capitalist economic system, which prioritizes the growth of GDP and maximization of shareholder profits above all other human values. Our collective devotion to profit at any cost has created a world in which the majority of people are forced to work constantly (often stacking multiple jobs just to scrape by) and to mindlessly consume goods and content in our fleeting moments of free time, too exhausted to pursue creative interests or to invest in personal relationships. Many have noted that alienation is an integral aspect of life under capitalism, and this is by design. When we are deprived of the ability to meet our deeper human needs - our spiritual, relational, intellectual and emotional needs - we must turn to whatever coping strategies are available, and if that’s Instagram and TikTok, DoorDash and Temu, then it’s no surprise that so many of us find our lives to be perpetually meaningless and unsatisfying cycles of work and consumption.
There are other causes as well (such as the disappearance of third spaces, and a culture of transience dissolving communities) but the point is we must view this predicament within a broader view of modern life. Rich and rewarding relationships, for all their immense value, are hard work. They require substantial investments of time, energy and intention, and they fade when we neglect them. Life in the 21st Century is nothing if not overwhelming, and when we are so busy, stressed out and exhausted, it is easier to scroll social media than to actually reach out to friends and family. It’s easier to watch porn than to seek out and nurture romantic connection. It’s easier to do a little online shopping than it is to attend community events or to cultivate an artistic practice.
This is where many articles will list a handful of familiar tips for connecting with people - reaching out to erstwhile friends, volunteering, checking out meetup groups, taking classes and so on, and these are all fine ideas. But I want to focus more upon how we can create the space in our lives to actually do these things, and how we can derive the greatest value from these ways of engaging.
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The reality of our modern lives is that most of us need to work long and draining hours just to make ends meet, and that making sacrifices tends to be challenging and often impracticable. Each individual’s circumstances will be different, but we must regularly ask ourselves what is most important in our lives, and whether there is any leverage we may have to move even a little closer to a life of alignment with those core values. Maybe we are working three jobs in order to live in a house that is unnecessarily large or in a prestigious part of town, when we could live a little more humbly and reduce our expenses in the process. Maybe we could travel closer to home instead of vacationing abroad, or we could invest in a few well-made and beautiful articles of clothing rather than impulsively spending our money on cheap, disposable items when we get bored and disillusioned. Maybe we could commit to meeting a friend for coffee once a week, or shop at a farmers’ market rather than the grocery store.
We must also learn to identify what prevents us from making our desired changes. Perhaps we feel a sense of social pressure to maintain a certain standard of living to earn the approval of family or friends. Perhaps we’re depressed and anxious, and can’t find the energy to socialize, or believe that we would be a burden on the people in our lives. Perhaps we are a single parent and can’t afford child-care. These are challenging predicaments, but for the most part, not insurmountable.
But surmounting these issues can require asking for help, something many of us are loathe to do. Admitting that we need help - or, god forbid, that we’re lonely - in a culture that glorifies independence and individuality can evoke potent feelings of shame in us, of being inadequate and needy, and can make us fear that doing so would backfire and repel the very people we wish to be closer to.
But here’s the thing: within reasonable bounds, people love to feel needed and appreciated. One of the best ways to connect and build relationships is to support one another, and when we give others the opportunity to be there for us, more often than not, we are likely to find them more than happy to oblige. It is simply necessary not to ask too much too often, and to ensure that there is a fair amount of reciprocity in our relationships, a decent balance of giving and receiving.
And in some situations, such as the aforementioned event of poor mental health, if it is accessible, we may benefit from seeking professional help. That may look like therapy, like coaching, like childcare or occasional house-cleaning. Once again, there will be considerable variety in what is available to each of us, but we may even find some brief and targeted work with a counsellor or coach can help us to find more clarity about our wants, needs, and how we can best navigate our unique circumstances to achieve a better life.
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Earlier on I noted that loneliness is less about being alone than it is about not feeling truly connected. Not being able to share in the profound beauty and complexity of the human experience in a meaningful way. But what does it really mean to be seen? To be known? What does it mean to break through the superficiality of day-to-day interactions and experience the juicy, substantive interweaving of our inner and outer worlds?
To do this topic justice has been the aim of countless great works of literature, art, cinema and music, but suffice to say that we all have much greater capacity for depth, for vast emotional breadth and complexity, for imagination and longing and love than we are permitted space or capacity to express in our routine lives. From the time that we begin school onward, we are taught to suppress so much of what makes us vibrant and dynamic human beings, to lock our wildest dreams and joys away in the dusty back drawers of our minds, to be serious, to play by the rules and not make a fuss. But there is so much more to life than the drudgery of school, full-time work, the achievement of status and accumulation of wealth. If we let it, life can become an infinitely creative process - a perpetually unfolding work of art - and if we manage to step beyond the fear of potential judgment and rejection, we all have immense worlds within us to explore and express. When you think about the people we tend to admire the most, they’re the ones who find the courage to be unashamedly themselves, to take risks and make tangible their visions of beauty and fulfillment. And these people falter and fail all the time, but they find the inner and outer resources to recover, and to try again and again until they find some kind of success.
It is this inner expansiveness and richness that most of us, deep down, long to access within ourselves, that we desire the most in others, and that is the lifeblood of truly satisfying relationships. If we wish to be deeply seen and appreciated, and to enjoy the company of authentic, passionate and self-actualized people, we must reflect upon our values and desires, and the obstacles we face. We must learn to permit ourselves to trust our intuition and judgment, to be vulnerable, take risks and make mistakes. And above all, with ourselves just as much as with other people, we want to be patient, curious and kind.
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I’ll wrap this up by acknowledging the extra layers of difficulty we can experience in nurturing our social lives when we are struggling with trauma, with depression, anxiety, neurodivergence and other such challenges. Poor mental health, disabilities and developmental differences can severely limit our capacity and resources for investing in relationships. The very thought of leaving home may send us spiralling into panic, and we may find it hard enough to get out of bed, to feed ourselves or shower, that the additional energy needed to be presentable and go out and make conversation may seem utterly out of reach.
Furthermore, for those who have been victims of abuse, betrayal, manipulation, abandonment and other manifestations of human cruelty and carelessness, the potential benefits of social connection may not seem worth the risk. We may find it impossible to trust in people not to hurt or disappoint us, and repeated frustrations in our past attempts to connect may dissuade us from trying again. Especially if we’re relatively comfortable with solitude, the juice may simply not seem worth the squeeze.
Sometimes there are no easy answers. And the fact is, most of us will probably never achieve our perfect dream-life - and that includes the social dimension. We will doubtless always be faced with disappointment and frustration at the behaviour of other people (and of ourselves) but perfection isn’t necessary - better is good. And for all the bad, there does remain a vast abundance of good to be found in humanity.
Again, for those with especial struggles in this area, therapy or coaching can be tremendously helpful, and many professionals offer reduced-rate, sliding scale, or even pro-bono services for those of limited means. No counsellor will be offended if you ask about these more affordable options, as we know all too well the realities that our clients face, living in this world of inequity. If you are troubled by loneliness and wish for more fulfilling relationships in your life, finding a safe space to be open and honest about it can be the first step in showing up authentically and finally connecting with others in the powerful, vulnerable and mutually enriching ways we all dream of.
